sleepwellkitten

I think this is more of a pic to send in with an application to the brute squad, but happy V-day anyway.

My body hurts so bad tonight. So does my mind. I can’t tell which is hurting more.

Experienced something tonight that I haven’t in awhile- I took the hottest shower I could but I couldn’t feel it. I could tell that the water was burning hot but I couldn’t feel it. All I could feel was my skin reacting to the intense heat, but it never felt warm in the slightest. I’m not going to lie- It scared me.

I’m so much healthier now… so why is this happening to me?

Take you back in time when I wasn’t

such a brand across your breast-

strain upon your back

When a good life was enough.

I have a confession to make-

The scene at the very end of Black Swan always makes my throat close up and my chest hurt. It’s too personal. I actually dislike the movie because of this. I love Darren Aronofsky’s movies and I think it’s a great work, but I still dislike it for the unfair reason that it just hits too close to home in places.  It’s not that I dislike the movie itself I guess- It’s more that I just find the content uncomfortably personal. I don’t feel like they tried to glamorize anything, and the fact that it does hurt probably just means it’s pure genius since it seems to hit the nail on the head.

I’ve never danced ballet, but I did fall heavily into the trap of believing that starvation and overworking yourself physically was the road to perfection. I am so much better than I was and am getting better still, but the pain of those beliefs is still with me. I still feel incredible sadness surrounding the whole thing.

But the thoughts-

In the pathetic gasps of this dying girl you see someone who believes she has attained perfection- and is happy with that. And I could only wish that this was just an unlikely fabrication. But I can’t. I can’t because I’ve known and dwelt with this darkness in myself- and I know countless others do too.

Why are we willing to throw the true joy of our own lives away for some fabricated idea of perfection? This idea is not natural. It’s man-made and usually adverse to the attainment of  joy. It’s impossible to strive towards this false sense of perfection and be truly happy. It is an all consuming obsession, there is no focus and energy left for real joy. It’s all about that end goal and you’ll stop at nothing to achieve it. This sickness robs us of what is real- It destroys our relationships with ourselves and others. It makes you cold on the inside and the outside- cold all over. Everything feels cold and lifeless- but we’re fooled into thinking it will all have been worth it when we arrive at the goal. But you never arrive. Nobody ever arrives unless they’re dead. It’s never satisfied until then- you are never perfect until then.

How much better it is to find beauty in real life? I want to live my life in pursuit of true love and joy.

I can’t wait to feel brand new-
I can’t wait to meet you again, friend. 

Holy shit- I forgot how LOUD baby chicks are. I bought thirteen today and brought them home to stay warm in the house until spring hits and they’re old enough to live in the chicken run.

They’re so sweet though. Happy little fuckers.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/50070266@N06/5599319199/

We’re all so obsessed with the way that we ourselves and other people look… but what more is it really than a way for us to interact and recognize us apart from each other? It’s just a shell.

My brain is swelling up again, I can feel it.

Artwork by fuyuyoi on deviantart.com

Today… I’m gonna take a little break and enjoy what I’ve accomplished so far. I think I should do that more often. I wear myself out always pushing towards some goal so that I never think to just stop and enjoy how far I’ve come.

Today is all about appreciation. Appreciating the life I’ve made for myself so far.

(I just realized how many looks I’ve been through in the past couple months. I went from way more Bettie Page to Quorra from Tron with Lisbeth somewhere in the middle.  Always something!)

A couple months ago before the haircut

There’s not a lot for you to give if you’re giving in
And there’s not a lot for you to feel if you’re not feeling it

You bring it up and bring it in and
we’ll get you fixed up in no time